Your face is scary.
No, not really. I'm sure you're a lovely person. But for some reason, looking directly at other people's faces—especially when they're looking back—truly is frightening and discomforting. Why are we so weird about eye contact?
The other day, I was walking to the grocery store. There was a guy my age walking towards me, in the opposite direction. He looked like a college student; he likely even attends the same university I do. I tried to smile at him.
But the moment he saw me heading towards him on the sidewalk, he cranked his neck down, hunched his shoulders up, and pinned both eyes on his feet as if his gaze were the only thing preventing them from taking a frenzied lunge into traffic and dragging the rest of his body along for the ride.
Now—this behavior would be totally understandable if I were, say, Chewbacca from Star Wars. However, I'm about 5'1, persistently cheerful, and have a face shape that earned me the nicknames 'chipmunk cheeks' and 'hobbit' in highschool. I'm slightly less intimidating than a lame baby rabbit. (Actually, much less intimidating. I've never quite felt safe around rabbits since seeing 'Monty Python'.)
I continued walking and smiling, hoping that he'd glance up and see the expression. No such luck. The poor kid almost ran into a mailbox because he was too busy deliberately not looking at me to look at anything else.
Finally, after he'd passed me, I broke the awkward tension.
“You should look up! Someone might be smiling at you.” He did a 180, gawked at me for a moment, then laughed and continued on his way. The kicked-dog tension was gone from his stance.
I've seen the same thing time and time again. Not always; some people nod, smile, or just straight up ignore strangers as they go by. But I'm sure you've experienced the awkwardness of looking across the room and locking gazes with someone you don't know. Most of us shut our eyes, keep scanning, or turn away quickly, hoping that they don't think we were looking.
Chances are, they've done the same thing before, and know perfectly well you're not staring at them. Very few people are actually conceited enough to assume that everyone in the room is constantly checking them out. (If you're one of those people who actually does turn heads as you go by, my email's cognitive_chimera@gmail.com. No, seriously.)
So why is it that eye contact is so spooky?
It's a monkey thing.
No, really. I was in Japan several summers ago, and went on a hike to the top of a mountain to see Japanese Macagues (Macaca fuscata,) also known as the Snow Monkey. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Japanese_Macaque
At the top of the trail was a sign. It said, “Do not stare at the monkeys!” And had a little stick-figure caricature of a monkey attacking a human being. (Of course, that immediately lead to my entire group daring each other to piss off the monkeys. Nothing says 'I had a good time' like visit to the ER for bandages and a rabies shot.)
For primates—and other mammalian species, such as dogs and wolves—eye contact is a display of aggression. (Or a display of sexual interest. Nothing says 'intent to commit hanky-panky' like a direct stare. Well, okay, there's other things that say it, but very few of them are considered appropriate in public.)
Staring contests actually are contests of dominance, and prolonged eye contact can lead to a physical tussle. Even a quick flash of eye contact can be very hostile. Cultures across the world have legends and superstitions about the 'evil eye'. Eye contact sends our levels of cortisol and adrenaline, otherwise known as the 'oh shit' hormones, into a spike.
Check out the this article: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/vitamin-eye/200907/eye-eye-visual-violence-0 for more in-depth information on the effects of hostile eye contact.
But is it just purely about science and biology? I think it's possible to overcome our gut reactions to eye contact and turn it into a positive experience.
When we look at someone we don't know, especially if they look very different from ourselves, it's sometime tough to realize that they're actually a person. Until we get to know them, they're still the archetypal 'other'. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Other
The German philosopher Hegel was one of the first to put the phenomenon into words. Conrad wrote about it in his Heart of Darkness. Philosophers, psychologists, and authors may wax poetic and scientific and thoughtful on the subject, but we don't really need them to tell us about it, because we've all felt it. Part of why eye contact is so threatening is because it's an intimate interaction with something not of ourselves.
Instead of letting the experience be dehumanized and frightening, though, ignore the need to twitch away. The next time you make eye contact with someone across the room, or with a stranger in the street, don't give them a dirty look or jerk your gaze away awkwardly. Smile at them. Wink. Cross your eyes, imitate the professor silently, or pull a ridiculous face to make them laugh.
Diffuse the tension of that fleeting, happenstance contact with a stranger. You might not know them, but just because you've never cried on their shoulder, laughed with them, shared a drink or shaken hands with their parents doesn't make them any less human than your best friend. Behind the unfamiliar face is a person who can connect and relate and understand. All it takes to turn that moment from a threat to a connection is a smile.
Just try not to wink at any axe murderers. You never know.
